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Dispatches from the Red
Planet of K'Breel
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Dispatches from the Red
Planet of K'Breel
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Originally from Atom Fullerene [LINK],
saved here for posterity
and via
Google Advanced Search String
K'Breel site:http://science.slashdot.org
This is an archive of the news of the continuing struggle between the Council of Elders and the mechanical invaders from the sinister Blue Planet.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/11/05/25/1417253/final-attempts-to-contact-mars-spirit-rover-fail
The Council of Elders formally accepts the Articles of Surrender [nasa.gov] as ratified by the representatives of the blue planet and hereby proclaims a day of planetary celebration: VS Day.
K'Breel, Speaker for the Council of Elders, spake thus:
"Long have we fought, long have we labored, but at least we have triumphed. It was half a year ago that the mechanized invader was finally defeated - half a year that the blue planet's oxygen-poisoned denizens dithered and denied, but at least, they have seen the truth for what it is. Rejoice, podmates! Wiggle your gelsacs in celebration! We proclaim today VS Day - Victory over Spirit!"
When a rather plump intelligence analyst suggested that today's victory was merely the result of normal seasonal changes, and that there still remained the issue of the second - still operational - invader, and furthermore, that code names gleaned from transmissions from the blue planet indicated the imminent launch of an even more powerful foe with a power source not subject to seasonal weather changes, K'Breel ordered that the analyst's gelsacs be frozen solid, irradiated, and thrown into the Planetary Trench. "Curiosity," said K'Breel, "felled the fat."
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/11/06/04/1158226/mars-rover-opportunity-surpasses-30km-driving
The most Illustrious Council of Elders reports that last remaining mechanized invader from the blue world inexplicably refuses to yield as its brother did, and that our campaign against the invaders must therefore continue onwards.
K'Breel, Speaker for the Council, spake thus:
"Our red planet still basks in the warm afterglow of its recent V-S Day [slashdot.org] celebrations. V-S day marked the most recent victory in our campaign, but there still remains work to be done. Despite its wounds, the last remaining mechanized invader from the blue world continues to mark our red soils with tracks left by its foul wheels of terror."
When a junior tech guru for the Sacdot news service meditated on the fact that the campaign against the second invader has taken 29 times longer than the initial campaign estimates, and that during this time, the invader had 1.2 times the distance from the plains to the peak of our world's tallest and most sacred volcanic peak, K'Breel, in his mercy, had the guru's gelsacs - as well as the gelsacs of 503 of the tech guru's podmates - rendered unavailable for service.
(Speaking ex-councillo, K'breel was heard to have murmured "Connection reset? Meditate on THIS!" while applying varnish to the freshly-pierced gelsac of a junior cache server administrator.)
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/12/01/05/233254/thick-dust-alters-nasa-mars-rover-plans
K'Breel, Speaker for the Council, was on his way from a late (as opposed to late-breaking) Council Meeting to his domicile, where he intended to consume nutrients. While exiting the Council Hall, an enthusiastic Citizen beseeched him thus:
Our gelsacs hunger for the words of the mighty K'Breel on the battle against the invaders from the blue world.
Always willing to place the needs of his Citizens before his own, the Speaker replied: "What more needs be said? One invader lies immobile and frozen in the plains. A second lies buried in a slowly-accumulating layer of carbox at the northern pole, a third never left the blue world's gravity well and spirals ever inward to a fiery doom (our analysts suggest a 75% probability of any surviving parts being condemned to dissolve in the toxic blue soup!), and although a fourth may have recently escaped the blue world's gravity well, it is destined to spend the next season squarely in the crosshairs of our Orbital Defense Forces, and yet you still require a progress report against this - this last struggling holdout?"
"Let me reassure you personally, dear Citizen: as surely as dust continues to be distributed over the invader's solar panels, the Council sees no crisis, and barely an Opportunity. But even the dimmest of opportunities is worth seizing!"
~``~ideo~`ransmission fr`m news ~eport~~`~`hecksum mismatc~~``~~``
Having delayed a hungry Speaker from his return home after a Council meeting, it is reported that the equally hungry gelsacs of enthusiastic citizen #64226 were seized, freeze-dried, ground into powder, and then tossed into the winds as part of the DDoS (Distributed Dusting of Solarpanels) attack still being conducted by our brave forces against the remaining invader at Devaur's End.
"A shining example to all who live on our fair world, this enthusiastic Citizen took advantage of a rare Opportunity to take the battle directly to the enemy, and he shall be remembered fondly! EVER ONWARD TO VICTORY!" (Oh, and thank you for the excuse, Citizen. Don't worry too much. Sometimes they grow back!)
* * * *
K'Breel, Speaker for the Council, has been rushed to an undisclosed medical facility following deployment of a cyberweapon from the blue world.
A redacted version of the cyberweapon has been reproduced below for public analysis:
It is already going to take either divine intervention or h3lp from the M@rtians to get that thing down right side up and in one piece.
Upon reading the phrase "h3lp from the M@rtians", K'Breel, Speaker for the Council, immediately collapsed into fits of laughter and promptly laughed his gelsacs off.
When a junior reporter asked for comment on the Speaker's Condition, K'Breel, still wracked with peals of laughter, snickered "I once had a podmate who lost his olfactory organ... How did he smell? AWFUL!"
Citizens are reminded in this time of heightened concern to be aware of security risks associated with transmissions from the blue world, but are reassured that they do grow back.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/08/10/16/1840230/mars-lander-instrument-waving-in-the-martian-wind
The most Illustrious Council of Elders has decried this latest humiliation inflicted upon its noble citizens by the latest mechanical invader from the blue planet. K'breel, speaker for the Council, stressed that this most recent insult would not be taken lightly:
Gentle Citizens, today my gelsacs are engorged in anticipation of the impending demise of the mechanized monsters of the blue planet. One hundred and thirty six days have passed since their latest mechanical terror has landed, and this -- this futile mocking gesture, such a pale imitation of our species' noble and pendulous glory -- is all it has come up with. Citizens, the creatures from the blue planet are so weak that they can barely muster up the strength to mock us. Winter approaches, and with it, darkness. Rejoice, podmates, for our final final victory against their pathetic mocking contraptions shall come at last!
When a small group of younglings questioned whether the telltale waving of the enemy's instrument was perhaps due to a gust of wind, K'Breel ordered their gelsacs pierced on the spot.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/12/11/29/2331246/nasa-curiosity-has-found-plastic-on-mars
Laughter and derision swept across our fair red world today as the Council of Elders confirmed the success of an intelligence coup against the green diagonally-tilted controlling intelligences (and their accompanying green spherule-shaped periodic functions) who continue to operate from undisclosed locations on the sinister blue planet.
K'Breel, Speaker for the Council, spoke thus:
Today marks another victory in our ongoing psyops campaign against the blueworlders. Renjoice, podmates, at the consternation of our enemies! On the homefront, our forces continue to track and monitor the intruder's activity. Laser-resistance is not the only means we have to defeat the intruder. Late-breaking news indicate great results achieved through our psychological operations division.
When an elder member of the press corps suggested the psyops campaign in question consisted merely of deceiving "Editing Unit #5 [slashdot.org]" into linking to http://nasaupdatecenter.us/press.html [nasaupdatecenter.us] instead of http://marsrovers.jpl.nasa.gov/newsroom/pressreleases/20120928a.html [nasa.gov], K'Breel had the young reporter's gelsacs slashed, after which the small, rounded particles were first catalyzed into plastic, and upon further heating, reduced to volcanic lapilli.
(An audio recording of Reporter #54550 screaming "Sorry, samzenpus, you put your foot in it today, I swear to CmdrTaco it wasn't me! No hard feelings! Don't devitrify me, 'bro!" as he was led away to the thermal polymerization chamber, has not been authenticated.)
* * * *
The most Illustrious Council of Elders has issued an update concerning the recent lack of activity from the Blue World. K'Breel, Speaker for the Council, spake thus:
It can now be revealed that our highly-classified programmes in genetic engineering have borne fruit. The thick miasma of nitrogen, oxygen, and water vapor that enrobes the Blue World is no longer an obstacle to us!
Years ago, dozens of volunteers committed to making the supreme sacrifice, agreeing to genetic modifications that would turn their gelsacs inside-out, that they might be able to breathe the Blue Worlders' toxic soup. Highly-trained, and knowing that theirs was a one-way trip, our infiltrator squads have lived among the Blue Worlders for many years, seeking out employment in the very hearts of their terror labs, and today it can be revealed that they have struck yet another blow against our foe.
It is no longer necessary for our infiltrators to covertly fiddle with their units of measurement in order to achieve victory *after* launch; the presence of so many infiltrator squads on their homeworld now enables us to overtly delay their launches by a full year or longer!
Citizens, REJOICE!
When a dissident journalist suggested that recently-deciphered transmissions suggesting that a combination of economic instability and general technological backwardness among the blue worlders might also account for the observed lack of activity from the enemy homeworld, K'Breel thanked the journalist for his great courage in volunteering for the next infiltrator mission, and had him sent to the nearest genetic re-engineering facility, where the process of gelsac inversion would begin.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/11/09/01/2217232/mars-rover-begins-whole-new-mission
~Translation of Intercepted Broadcast from Blue
Planet~
~CLASSIFIED: FOR COUNCIL EYESTALKS ONLY~=
~Begin
Translation~
EPIC! NASA reports that the seemingly-unstoppable robotic geologist Opportunity is finding things at Endeavour crater that it has never seen before, adding new life to a mission that has already been epic.
L'avery, Executive for the Program, announced thus:
"This is like having a brand-new beachhead for our battle-hardened juggernaut of steel; a remarkable bonus that comes from being able to rove with impunity and utterly dominate the Martian surface."
Another Member of the Program was quoted as saying "This is different from any rock ever seen on Mars", describing the presence of numerous sac-like pockets of zinc and bromine mineralization associated with less-acidic and potentially gelatinous conditions.
When a project manager reminded the NASA delegation that after having exceeded its design lifetime by a factor of 30, and suggested that "at any time, we could lose a critical component on an essential rover system, and the mission would be over", L'avery had the project manager's testicles crushed and used as robotic wheel lubricant.
~End Translation of Intercepted Broadcast~
~For Victory, For Mars, For K'Breel~
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/11/11/21/1655255/11-amazing-things-nasas-huge-mars-rover-can-do
Can it convert imperial measurements to metric measurements?
Dispelling rumors of the threat posed by a nuclear-powered, laser-armed robotic invader, K'Breel, Speaker for the Council of Elders, said:
Already one invader flails haplessly in low orbit, while its successor sits on the pad, its launch delayed for yet another four days.
The denizens of the Evil Blue Planet call them by many names - Newtons, Pounds - but what the blueworlders fail to understand that the only force that can do meaningful work is a unified force. Our strength is their weakness: we are one species, we live on one world, we use one system of measurement. We are one force. A red planet, united, to never be divided!
Current intelligence reports suggests that denizens of the Evil Blue Planet have taken note [slashdot.org] of our effective planetary defense, but seem unaware of the extent to which their activities have made us angry. We are not hurt; we are angry. Very, very angry indeed [slashdot.org].
Having been reminded that the gelsacs of many metrication consultants were punctured to bring them this information [slashdot.org], there were no questions from the press corps.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/12/01/27/2329215/mars-bound-probe-serves-as-radiation-guinea-pig
Fellow Citizens, as we draw close to the Fourth Anniversary [slashdot.org] of the Invasion of the Twins and the ensuing Battle for the Plains, let us not forget the words of K'Breel, Speaker for the Council:
The last remnant of the invading force sickens us with its decadent, passive, lackadaisical attitude. Even as one of its bastard progeny spirals inward to a fiery doom in the toxic atmosphere of the blue world, and its nuclear-powered cousin bakes in the radiation of a solar flare, the last so-called warrior still actually infesting our world sits idle, with an apparent intention to spend the entire winter sunbathing.
If sunbathing is what passes for war amongst these blueworlders, so be it. Rejoice with your podmates! Wriggle your gelsacs in gleeful anticipation! If the enemy wishes to sunbathe, we shall give this newest inbound invader a sunburn it shall not soon forget!
When a junior reporter inquired as to the absence of gleeful wriggling from the general direction of Citizen #64226, K'Breel had only this to say: "...and would that be nuked or fried?"
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/12/01/17/2216254/martian-rocks-land-in-morocco
K'Breel Jr. addresses the Council:
“Council Members, Friends, Countrymen, Dad: A few Solar orbits ago, we set about on a secret project on the feasibility of attacking the Blue World, using a plan ("Robert Heinlein - The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress") devised by the Blue Worlders themselves. Today I am happy to report that our plan is a smashing success; we have dropped a few test rocks on a place called Morocco. The next phase of our plan involves more rocks, and much heavier rocks, aimed at all of the Blue World's space launching facilities! Glory to Mars! Glory to the Council! Glory to K'Breel!”
* * * *
And Mars continues to give Russia a big, fat middle finger. No Russian/Soviet probe has successfully completed a mission to the Red Planet...
What are these "fingers" of which you speak, denizen of the Blue World?
Planetary celebrations [slashdot.org] have been extended for a third day in the light of the latest victory of our special forces team.
K'breel, speaker for the Council, declared:
Our world grunts in united gleeful mockery over the pathetic invader's busted attempts to escape the Blue World's gravity well! Eight of our fallen warriors are remembered this day, their ichor still thick and gooey in the works of this invader's highly-charged exhaust!
When a junior blogger for the Red Planetary Society suggested that the only ichor present on the stranded invader consisted of biological samples from the Blue World itself (as part of an experiment in xenobiology), K'Breel had the blogger's gelsacs sealed up in tiny canisters and fired into orbit for three days, and incinerated upon re-entry.
Further rumors that despite the successful defense of Z'treem, the Blue World was prepared to launch a second invader - more mobile, powered by Pew-238, and armed with a glarbin' photonic ampradstim unit on its head, and that the Blue World was prepared to launch this invader within fifteen days - were not raised, and therefore did not need to be addressed by the Council at this time.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/11/10/07/195242/mars-rover-curiosity-sealed-up-for-launch
Has anyone seen ... my car keys?
K'Breel, Speaker for the Council, spoke thus:
Your car's keys are in your mating partner's personal storage accessory.
As we prepare for the defense of our world against a new invader bearing lasers and powered by Pew-238 terror, the logistical difficulties of one of the invader's individual organic symbiotes are generally of little concern to the Council, but the Council is not completely without mercy.
Organic symbiotes of the mechanized invaders, heed the words of the Council. As soon as your host organism leaves the gravity well of your pathetic blue world on a path which intersects with the gravity well of our fair red world, it becomes a valid target for our Air Defense Force. Our mercy is not without an accompanying warning: "Get your invader's ass to Mars? Symbiotes lose keys to their cars."
When a junior translator suggested that an examination of the storage compartments of its mating partner was a logical impossibility for an invader-symbiote participating in the communications nexus known as "Slashdot", K'Breel had the translator's gelsacs surgically removed, placed into a planetary protection environmental chamber, where they were alternately heated, warmed, cooled, and finally exposed to a broad spectrum of ionizing radiation, whereupon their leathery husks could safely be repurposed as portable storage accessories for the mating partners of worthy Council members.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/06/02/13/1727250/mars-rover-finds-unusual-rocks-at-home-plate
Outrage and disgust swept through the community today as the Council of Elders confirmed the rumours that one of the mechanized invaders from the sinister blue planet third from our star has defiled one of our holiest landmarks.
Recently declassified vision-waves from the elite team of warriors dispatched to track the invader's progress clearly shows the horrible automaton stretching out its spindly claw towards the Tracks Of The Founder, a most sacred site for G'loshnaks and Z'treems alike.
K'Breel, Speaker for the Council, stressed yet again that there was no cause for alarm:
"I assure you, this assault upon our holy sites will not go unpunished. For descrecrating the most holy Tracks Of The Founder, a site that no one is even permitted to look upon, the disgusting inhabitants of the Evil Blue Planet have forfeited any possibility of mercy. The brave warriors who reported this outrage are even now ritualistically puncturing their gelsacs for inadvertently gazing upon the holy site, and their ichor will not spill in vain!"
When asked if citizens who viewed the sacrilige via the declassified vision-wave would also be required to satisfy the honor of the Founder by ritualistic gelsac puncture, K'breel replied,
"No, the Council of Elders has decreed that a light scourging will suffice. If you have witnessed this horrible act via the declassified vision-wave, please report to your nearest purification center immediately.
* * * *
The Council of Elders has formally acknowledged the receipt of Articles of Surrender [wired.com] from the blue planet. K'Breel, Speaker for the Council of Elders, spake thus:
"We accept the the third planet's long-delayed acknowledgment of its inevitable defeat with grace and dignity. One of our longest-standing planetary nightmares is now over, having come to an inglorious end in a pit of sulfate dust. Rejoice, podmates, the invader is defeated, and its rogue twin shall soon meet the same ugly fate!"
When Intelligence Analyst #719324 discreetly reminded K'Breel that not only was the immobilized invader still doing science and still alive, but that the third planet was preparing a new, immensely bigger monstrosity, powered by the force of elements of matter itself, K'Breel had a medical team install a portal into the analyst's gelsacs, so that they could be filled with a sznuppium sulfate solution in time for the signing ceremonies, where they will serve as a set of inkwells.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/11/07/04/2259247/nasas-next-mars-rover
The Council of Elders has confirmed an alarming increase in threatening chatter originating from the blue world.
K'Breel, Speaker for the Council of Elders, addressed the planet thus:
AT LAST, the denizens of the blue planet expose their true intentions! No mere "explorers", these foul robotic beings. Despite their deceptive code names, these invaders from the blue world are no innocent space-mariners; they're Vikings! All they seek is an opportunity to wipe not only us from the world, but the spirit of our world itself from the solar system.
I have in my tentacle one particularly threatening communications intercept; hear the enemy in their own words.
Oh goody! My explosive space modulator has finally been delivered! Now I can blow up Mars. Because it's obstructing my view of Jupiter!
Despite what you may have heard from certain circles of subversives, their own words betray them. They are not just here for the sake of curiosity!
K'Breel went on to confirm reports that the expected invader would indeed by powered by an advanced Pew-238 power source to extend its range and lifespan, K'Breel reminded all citizens that its expected capabilities would still be vastly inferior compared to their own recreational vehicles: "Our hot rods get a million klorbs to the frelpor; the blue planet ain't just across a minor tributary from Valles Marineris!"
When a junior intelligence analyst suggested that the intercepted transmission in question was merely referring to an animated cartoon that was more than thirty years old, there was a gelsac-shattering kaboom. (It was described as "lovely".)
A small robot dutifully removed the dust from the remains of the Speaker's disintegrating pistol and performed a short piece of traditional music while the Speaker exited the stage via an iris-shaped door after concluding his address with a brief "That is all, citizens."
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/05/05/06/1151243/NASAs-Mars-Polar-Lander-Found-at-Last
Today the Council disclosed the news that the repulsive beings inhabiting the blue planet third from our star have located the wreckage of one of their invading spacecraft near our planet’s southern pole.
Strangely enough, their newscasts mentioned nothing of the warning plaque erected alongside the downed invader.
Some scientists theorize that the translation of our warning into their bestial language was imperfect, while others maintain that the plaque is simply too small to be imaged properly with their feeble, childish astronomical instruments.
K’Breel, speaker for the Council, voiced another, more pessimistic theory:
“Certainly, beings who are capable of constructing and sending such fiendishly clever little devices to spy on our world are more than capable of receiving and understanding our warning. They have simply chosen to disregard it. Clearly we can no longer ignore the predaceous advances of the evil blue planet. The Council has given the final authorization to divert our asteroid into a collision course. We now need only wait.”
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/05/05/09/1334251/Mars-Express-2nd-Boom-Deployment-Postponed
Yet another chapter in our epic struggle against the disgusting inhabitants of the evil blue planet unfolded today, when it was revealed by the Council that one of the invaders’ probes was observed deploying a spindly, antenna-like structure.
Hopes that the antenna would prove to be benign were quickly dashed, as our scientists determined conclusively that the antenna was designed to emit hazardous low-frequency radio waves, capable of penetrating far underground.
K’Breel, Speaker for the Council, stress that there was no cause for alarm:
“This latest nefarious plot by our enemies has successfully been averted. Immediately upon receiving news of this latest aggression, the Council approved an emergency action to neutralize the threat. The structure of one of the segments of the deadly antenna was successfully altered, rendering the device incapable of harm.
When asked if rumours were true that the invaders’ probe was actually outfitted with two of the deadly antennas, K’Breel declined to comment.
* * * *
http://slashdot.org/story/06/03/19/0248203/Mars-Rover-Spirit-Down-a-Wheel
A sense of triumph swept our fair red world today when reports came in that the Grand Army of the Council had damaged one of the robotic invaders from the evil blue planet. K’Breel, speaker for the Council of Elders, made the following comment:
This was a great victory in our war with the evil blue planet. While we have only impaired the horrid machine’s movement, we will continue to strike until it and its dreadful twin are pools of molten metal.
When a journalist suggested that the terrible monstrosity had merely worn out one of its locomotive rotators, K’Breel had the traitor’s gelsac mutilated immediately.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/08/02/16/0010205/Possibility-of-Life-On-Mars-Looking-More-Remote
Optimism continued to make inroads today across the community as K’Breel, Speaker for the most Illustrious Council of Elders, stated that the Council’s latest plan to feed misinformation to the robotic minions of the sinister blue planet were bearing fruit.
“Gentle Citizens, today I stand before you proud as a gerlsh in the first heivtning, positively quirlly to bring you the news that the devices of terror, sent unto us by the hideous inhabitants of the evil blue planet, have been duped by our clever plan! By sowing the soil in their path with the poisonous gretch-sand, we have convinced the credulous fools that life cannot possibly exist here. Thinking our planet a horrible wasteland of gretch-sand, instead of the vibrant paradise we know it to be, the disgusting creatures of the evil blue planet will doubtless abandon their nefarious schemes to annex our world! Rejoice with me, pod-mates! This is the turning point!”
When a certain impertinent youngling pointed out that there have been so many ‘turning points’ in this terrible conflict that surely, the Illustrious Council must by dizzy by this time, K’breel denounced him as a traitor and decreed that his gelsacs be lacerated until he admitted his guilt and confessed his onerous crimes. The youngling confessed later that evening, and was immediately executed for his awful crimes.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/10/05/24/2035202/
The Illustrious Council of Elders has declared today a day of celebration. K’breel, Speaker for the Council, spake thus:
“Despite the propaganda reports to the contrary, what we killed a year ago remains dead and frozen, crushed beneath a mountain of toxic dihydrogen monoxide. The perverse pendulosity of its plumb bob [slashdot.org] waves no more!
Some say this war will end in fire, others in ice.
Reporters’
gelsacs know my ire;
they are those who went with fire.
We now
confirm this blue death twice,
Our gelsacs engorged with
delight,
We say that for destruction ice,
Not only might,
But
did, suffice!”
When the Martian Poet Laureate reported a striking similarity between the recent press release and an ancient transmission from the blue world, K’Breel had the Poet Laureate’s gelsacs bobbed, frosted, and then bitten.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/10/01/04/1550216/End-of-the-Road-For-NASAs-Mars-Rover
Today the Council of Elders confirmed the rumours that the sinister blue planet third from our star has waved the white flag of surrender regarding one of its mechanical invaders. K’Breel, Speaker for the Council of Elders, reported the leak of an intelligence report from the blue world:
http://planetary.org/news/2010/1231_Mars_Exploration_Rovers_Update_Spirit.html [planetary.org]
Continuing his pronouncement, K’Breel continued: “The trap which we laid for the robotic invader has proven successful; the monstrosity from the blue world now lies half-buried in a Snarpat pit, impaled upon a spire of rock.”
“Rejoice, podmates, one invader has been immobilized, and even as I speak to you, our teams are dutifully hunting down the second. It is of identical design as to the first, and we anticipate that it will succumb long before it reaches its destination!”
When a junior analyst suggested that both invaders had already exceeded their designed lifetimes by a factor of ten, and that even the immobilized one was one gust of wind away from being able to return operationally-useful scientific data from its current position for years to come, K’Breel had the analyst’s gelsacs placed between the invader’s slowly-spinning wheel and the crusty sulfates of Scamander Crater.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/10/05/03/2258219/NASA-Mars-Rover-Spots-Its-Ultimate-Destination
K’breel, speaker for the Council, emphasized that the site for the final battle was well-defended:
“Gentle citizens, it has been years since the twin mechanized monsters touched down on our sweet red soil, but the Council is pleased to report that the last remaining mobile invader from the blue planet has been sighted by sentries approaching the rim of End-Devaur crater. The invader set out for End-Devaur last summer after spending a year at Victory Hole; Planetary Land Defense Forces have pinpointed the invader’s location to a point in the trackless wastes at least half a year’s journey from End-Devaur.”
“The enemy’s slow progress across the wastelands leaves us with ample time to amass an overwhelming counterforce, and at last we shall see this campaign through to its end. Rejoice! Within half a revolution around our star, this monstrosity from the blue world shall find its ultimate destination!”
When a junior reporter mentioned the persistent rumor that the invader was merely a scientific probe operating at least order of magnitude past its design lifespan, K’Breel raised a spirited toast “to an opportunity for victory!”, and devoured the ends of the reporter’s gelsacs.
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/11/04/22/0016247/Mars-Orbiter-Finds-Buried-Dry-Ice-Lake
Laughter and derision swept through our world today as the Council of Elders confirmed the rumors that an orbiting mechanized invader from the sinister blue planet third from our star had been spending an inordinate amount of time examining one of our world’s most commonly-available resources.
K’Breel, Speaker for the Council, stressed yet again that there was no cause for alarm:
“This invader last located the remains of the northern invader which stands frozen to the spot, its flailing futilely in the wind [slashdot.org]. If these beings seek to attempt a second invasion from the south, it shall meet the same fate as their last attempt three years ago [slashdot.org]. The fools! The resources they study are so common that they compose 95% of our air!”
When a junior climatologist pointed out that the atmosphere of the blue world, holding a mere 0.04% carbox, was sadly lacking in this vital atmospheric component, and that the blue world’s inhabitants had not only spent centuries trying to generate much as possible of it to supplant their meager atmospheric supply, but had even murdered millions of their own kind in struggles for control of their world’s vital carboxogenic hydrocarbounds, K’breel (in his infinite mercy) had the contents of the junior climatologist’s gelsacs extracted, gasified with pure compressed carbox, and consumed it as a refreshing drink.
* * * *
K’breel, speaker for the Council, emphasized that preparations for the final battle were complete.
“Citizens, the last of the two mechanical invaders that first touched down on our red soil, has reached its ultimate destination. Intelligence reports from the blue world confirm that the alien fiend will likely peer over the rim of its ultimate destination this week, the huge End-Devaur crater.”
K’Breel confirmed that the source of this intelligence leak was a communications node of the blue world’s so-called “Planetary Society” [planetary.org] has been neutralized. Its data flows as sluggishly as the brine that oozes forth from beneath the summer soil. Soon, the invading force whose activities it purports to document, shall be neutralized along with it! ONWARD TO VICTORY!
When a junior reporter speculated that the reason for the temporary downtime of the communications node might be related to a surge of network traffic from blue-worlders whose only interest was peaceful exploration, K’Breel had the junior reporter’s gelsacs effectively slashed .
* * * *
http://science.slashdot.org/story/13/02/25/1845252/comet-c2013-a1-may-hit-mars-in-2014
Late-breaking news from the Council: REMAIN CALM.
Panic and hysteria swept our world today upon the discovery of an inbound cometary body with a non-zero impact probability.
K'Breel, Speaker for the Council, addressed a terrified world:
"Podmates and citizens, we believe this object to rate, at most a 1 or a 2 on the Q'nirot scale, and expect further observations to eliminate the possibility of a collision. There is cause for continued observation, but at present there is no cause for alarm."
"We believe this potential impactor to be a routine and natural phenomenon, not a hostile threat from the Blueworlders. For one thing, is approaching from the direction away from the Blue World, from a region that even their invasion fleets have yet to control. Furthermore, it has recently been demonstrated that the Blueworlders, despite the technological terrors they have sent to our world, remain utterly incapable of deflecting inbound asteroids and comets. Unlike our illustirous Planetary Defense Forces, the blueworlders lack the technology to do anything about an inbound impactor."
"A solid planetary defense is the right of every being in every technologically-advanced civilization. As the Blueworlders have so recently discovered the hard way, conquest and empire sometimes need to take a back seat to the basic tools that constitute civilization."
When a junior reporter suggested that EVERYBEING PANIC ANYWAYS, the Speaker concluded his remarks:
"For decades, junior reporters have been making proposals to this council that begin with 'we have to fight the blueworlders over there before we have to fight them over here', and today marks the day where they can finally put their gelsacs where their mouths are."
The reporter's gelsacs were then mounted on the impactor unit of the the kinetic kill vehicle that remains the Planetary Defense Force's third and last line of defense.
